Our first major family holiday with Zoe was an unqualified hit. We held open house all day at Bubbe Esther and Pop-Pop Bill's new home so she could meet some of our Bawlmer (that's Merlin's largest city) people. And they came by the dozens...friends, aunts, uncles and cousins. Local favorites like french fries drowning in gravy, crabcakes and corned beef all gave way to the traditional Thanksgiving feast. Zoe made do with lots of tortilla chips and one of her new favorites, pumpkin pie.
Zoe was all girl, helping herself not only to Grandma's lipstick, but the contents of Bubbe's closet, as well.
On Friday, it was back to Charm City and the fabulous Inner Harbor for a visit to the Maryland Science Center and lunch with friends. Zoe loved the Science Center, especially the water play area.
We capped off the long weekend with some entertaining at home. If there were ever any doubt, we now know Zoe is a real "people person." In all, she discovered perhaps thirty new friends and family over the long weekend and enjoyed meeting each of them, with just a simple "bye-bye" at separation.
After looking to Papa for breakfast, Zoe begins each weekday morning walking Jesse to the school bus. But it's not only Jesse getting ready for school, Zoe's ready, as well. "All dressed up, with nowhere to go," Zoe insists on carrying her own empty backpack to the bus stop before spending the day with Mommy (formerly Mama). Soon enough, preschool will start when Mommy returns to work in January. She's already getting a headstart by occasionally "auditing" her future full-day class while we pick up Jesse from his afterschool program.Zoe's day consists of a mix of music and gymnastics classes, routine post-adoption medical appointments, and running assorted errands with Mommy including occasional lunches with friends. The separation issues we encountered several weeks ago with each new friend and family member she meets are largely over; they are no longer instructed to "sit on their hands" when they meet Zoe and are free to hug and hold her if she so allows. Her afternoon nap usually begins on the drive home from lunch and lasts until it's time to pick Jesse up from his afterschool program.
To celebrate their first month together, Zoe joined Mommy for their first joint manicures yesterday. Her hair still needs to grow out from the orphanage coif before anything really creative can be done there.
Both Jesse and Papa are asked about frequently in absentia. Jesse gets hugs and kisses with each afternoon reunion; Papa gets smiles, giggles and offers to join her to play with her newest toys. She follows me around the house constantly and allows me to entertain her for what seems like hours at a time, but still allows little physical contact and needs to check in with Sari every so often to make sure she's available.
If Sari is within reach, I can tickle Zoe into submission and can even pick her up and carry her short distances. But there are still certain times that my sole presence still brings out screams and Sari's presence is required, such as when she needs to be removed from her carseat or is just waking up from a nap.
I'm still a long way from soloing, but that's our goal for January, when a business trip possibly awaits Sari upon her return to work.
Some of her favorite playthings: the electric piano, miniature stroller and Pack'n'Play for her doll. The toy kitchen was a hit for her first real playdate this weekend.
And, slowly but surely, the English is coming in a word at a time. In no particular order, here's just some of the vocabulary so far (some of which replaces the equivalent Russian):
- apple
- banana
- cheese
- delicious
- please
- thank you
- give me
- excuse me
- wow!
- shopping
- oatmeal
- paper
- phone
- baby
- doll
- again!
- book
- shower
- Can name most colors
- Can sing the "A-B-C"s, although it gets sort of lost with the accent.
Weekends seem to bring special events which mandate dressing up a little, especially while Zoe continues to make her debut in venues across North America. This Thanksgiving holiday weekend will certainly be no exception.
And as much as I'm trying to resist the obvious cliché, we'll truly have a lot to be thankful for sitting around the holiday table this year. Here's wishing you and yours a happy, safe weekend and we'll catch up next week.
¶ 10:58 AM 0 comments
I'd love to reply in kind if the post warrants, but face one tiny obstacle. My ten-word Russian vocabulary doesn't tell me whether I'm being villified or patted on the back. If someone could help me out and send a rough translation, I'd be forever grateful.
Postscript: Thanks to all who responded with the automated web translations, which seemed to clear this up to the point that I realize I'm not being villified. Any additional human translation insight is appreciated. Thanks! ¶ 2:48 PM 1 comments
Well, those of you who were looking for an adoption story on last night's Primetime broadcast couldn't have been totally disappointed with the Anna Nicole Smith segment. The grieving widow's relationship with the very, er, mature billionaire J. Howard Marshall was its own adoption story, with some elements even mirroring our own experiences.The TV Guide Synopsis
J. Howard & Anna Nicole: With time slipping away, an aging, enfeebled billionaire looks for a young available female in an effort to make his life complete.
(Us and Zoe: With time slipping away, an aging, infertile couple looks for a young available female in an effort to make their family complete.)
How She Was Enticed Into Relationship
Anna Nicole: Gifts of jewelry, cars, real estate, breast implants and loads of cash.
(Zoe: Gifts of Pepperidge Farm Goldfish crackers, lollipops and a toy cellphone.)
Promises Made
J. Howard to Anna Nicole: To love, honor and cherish, and take care of her for the rest of his life.
(Us to Zoe: To love, honor and cherish, and take care of her for presumably longer than fourteen months.)
Roadblock Relative
Anna Nicole: Stepson E. Pierce Marshall, who labels her a "gold digger" and initiates battle to retain his claim to the old man's fortune.
(Zoe: Brother Jesse, who labels her a "toy stealer" and initiates battle to retain his claim to the LeapPad.)
Phrases Commonly Heard
Anna Nicole: "I want." "Give me." "More." "This diaper needs to be changed." All spoken with a Texas drawl.
(Zoe: "I want." "Give me." "More." "This diaper needs to be changed." All spoken in toddler Russian.)
Nature of Relationship with Father Figure
Anna Nicole: Loved to tempt and play games, but with a total adversion to any meaningful physical contact.
(Zoe: 'Nuff said, I'm sure it will come in time.)
Where Are They Now?
J. Howard: Judge divides ashes, distributes them evenly to both widow and son.
Anna Nicole: In bankruptcy, headed for the U.S. Supreme Court in last-ditch legal effort to win share of husband's fortune.
(Zoe: Living quite comfortably in suburbia, thank you very much.) ¶ 8:16 AM 1 comments
Blogger's Postscript: Other postings around the 'net indicate that the Primetime story is actually scheduled to air on December 1. So much for reliable sources. We'll see what happens in two weeks... ¶ 10:45 PM 1 comments
And adoption by foreigners in Russia takes center stage in the Duma (Russian legislature). ¶ 3:57 PM 0 comments
It was just a quick peck on the cheek, but last night--388 days after meeting--Zoe finally delivered a first kiss for Papa.
Other firsts in the last 24 hours:
- First accidentally-completed phone call (to the 9-1-1 operator)
- First visit to Pikesville, Mama's homeland
Have a great weekend.
¶ 11:48 AM 0 comments
Apparently, the Mancuso story will be the centerpiece of an upcoming segment on ABC's Primetime focusing on international adoption. When a network ratings sweeps period meets up with National Adoption Awareness Month, don't expect to see a fair representation of adoption success stories. Expect to see cases like Mancuso's described as part of an epidemic, growing trend equating international adoption with human trafficking. Warm and fuzzy adoption stories = lower ratings = lower advertising rates for ABC.
For those parents still in the process of or considering international adoption (not just from Russia), it's a long road ahead. An unbalanced report underplaying the overwhelming majority of successful international adoptions could make this road even longer. Reports in the media can become justification for foreign governments to slow down adoptions in process (they certainly didn't make ours go any quicker) or to even consider closing their programs. It would be tragic if an unbalanced news report left hundreds of thousands of orphans stranded waiting for new homes, all in the name of higher ratings.
So what can you do?
First, Mancuso is scheduled for sentencing on November 14. Consider writing to the judge handling the case to encourage imposition of the maximum sentence. At the very least, we need to let the world know that America does not tolerate those who abuse children. This will help to mitigate any damage caused by the Primetime report when it airs.
Hon. Donna Jo McDaniel
Court of Common Pleas
323 Courthouse
Pittsburgh, PA 15233
Re: Sentencing of Matthew Mancuso
Next, write to Primetime (click here) to ensure that their upcoming report presents the state of international adoption in a fair, responsible manner. You never know...maybe their report will wind up being more balanced than what we've heard. After it airs, give them more feedback.
Thanks for your help.
Blogger's Disclosure: The blogger is a shareholder of The Walt Disney Company, of which ABC is a subsidiary. ¶ 5:04 PM 0 comments
Zoe sought me out for playtime, engaging me at every opportunity. She wanted breakfast; Sari sent her downstairs to get breakfast from Papa, and she went without hesitation. And she ate everything I could throw at her...two hard-boiled eggs, a banana, a Danimals yogurt. We laughed and made silly faces at each other. All weekend, she kept gesturing for me to follow to watch what she was doing on the playground and around the house (even the bathroom). When I wasn't visible, she kept asking for me. Tonight, she wouldn't let me leave the house to run an errand without putting up a fight.
In addition to Zoe's finally realizing what a great guy her Papa is, I think she's now sensing Sari's growing exhaustion. Since bringing her home over two weeks ago, Zoe has been Sari's constant shadow, including in our claustrophobic 1950s master bathroom. And she's up very early every morning, which seems to be part of her regular routine and will be hard to break. I'm up just as early, but that doesn't mean much when Zoe demands her mother's attention.
Sari truly needed some quality time to herself on Saturday. We wisely decided to time this to coincide with Zoe's typical two hour nap. We kept Zoe up past her regular afternoon naptime and ran her ragged to ensure she was extra-tired. After jump-starting her nap by laying down next to Zoe, Sari burned rubber to get to the hairdresser. It seemed like the perfect plan.
Until 90 minutes later. The phone, which had been strangely silent all afternoon, rang. There's no phone in Zoe's room and I managed to pick it up after one ring, yet it was still enough to wake her up. And bring her staggering into our room.
"Mama?...Mama?" All she saw was me, recovering from my own shortened nap.
"Mama will be home soon." Soon wouldn't be quick enough.
"Mama? Mama? Ma-ma!!!! Ma-ma!!!" The tears started flowing, and she began running throughout the house looking for Sari. She cowered in the corner of Sari's office as I approached to further clarify the Mama situation. "Mama will be home soon...really soon...really, really soon. Jesse, tell her Mama will be home soon." More tears and screams.
To make matters worse, Sari was running late. So I simply walked away and figured Zoe would just have to work it out. In all, the crying and repeated "Mama"s lasted 25 minutes until hunger got the best of her. She composed herself and came to the table for her dinner of a banana and a rice cake. Minutes later, a well-coiffed Sari arrived home to major hugs and kisses.
So where does this leave Zoe and I? I'd say we're about halfway there. The other half is the physical aspect and trust. Zoe still won't allow me to touch her, and she won't touch me, even with so much as a high-five in a moment of exuberance. She'll place objects in my hand and take them, but won't sit next to me or allow other situations where incidental contact is likely. All of this renders me somewhat ineffective where physical contact with your three-year-old is clearly necessary, such as walking in a parking lot or getting her into a carseat. And as much as we clearly enjoy each other's company, we're light years away from going anywhere without Mama.
I described the weekend's progress to my friend Michael, who often walks a tightrope between being one of this blog's groupies, editorial critics and arbiters of good taste. Would it be inappropriate or misunderstood to compare my progress with Zoe to reaching certain milestones in the dating process? Michael quickly reminded me that I was dangerously pushing the envelope with last week's Chiquita intervention, so I won't elaborate further.
Except to say that I think she really, really likes me.
"It's a guy thing, they don't see a lot of men in the orphanage." Well, it's not a guy thing. While Zoe definitely prefers hanging with women, she will occasionally hold on to a visiting male hand to lead a tour of her new home. And she has "dissed" more than one female.
"It's your height." While my width may have become a little frightening over the years, it's definitely not a height thing. My brothers, who are almost as tall and even look a little like me, don't get the visceral reactions reserved for me.
"One day, she'll be Daddy's little girl. Happens all the time." Things have been improving slowly over the last week, and while Zoe will eventually become Daddy's girl, it can sometimes take months for Daddies in similar situations to get as much as the time of day.
Mama is certainly loving Zoe's company, but having your own shadow 24/7 isn't all it's cracked up to be when you're exhausted and need a little time to yourself. Jesse is a helpful big brother, but not enough of a draw to distract Zoe from Mama for more than a minute or two.
With all that in mind, we decided to bring on the professionals.
The three of us attended a one-hour session yesterday with the Center for Adoption Support and Education. In the office/playroom setting, it took the the social worker all of about ten seconds to size up the situation.
"Mama, don't look at Zoe. Sit back, and look at Papa." Without Mama offering eye contact, Zoe's focus was entirely on me. We played one-on-one for most of the session, throwing simulated plastic food at each other, making funny faces, laughing. While Zoe still cringed at the prospect of physical contact, we were light-years ahead of where we were at the start of the hour.
While Zoe and I played, Sari and I discussed attachment issues with the social worker. Zoe attaches almost instantly to the numerous friends and family who have visited or she has met outside the house. Usually it begins with something as seemingly innocent as holding her hand, or helping her by cutting up food on her plate. But it inevitably ends with a major, unpleasant scene when the time inevitably comes to part company.
The instantaneous bonding is not unusual when you're used to three years of being passed from caregiver to caregiver over eight-hour shifts. But Zoe has to understand who the primary caregivers are--Mama and Papa. Visits to the house and lunch with the girls are both fine, but as much as our friends and extended family want to hold and hug and help this very holdable, huggable kid, now is not the time.
When will we know when it's time? "You'll know." Did we need to be seen again? "You don't need it."
As amazing as this first and last social work session was, nothing prepared us for what happened as we left the office. Zoe handed the borrowed restroom key back to the social worker, who used the one Russian word in her vocabulary to thank her..."Spaseeba."
To which Zoe replied, without missing a beat: "Nyet Russki!" No Russian! Our jaws simultaneously dropped to the floor. We never knew the word "Russki" was even in her vocabulary, much less that she would be able to clearly express that she now prefers to hear English after less than two weeks in America.
We returned home for a little more impromptu playtime and lunch, with Zoe running back and forth laughing in the hallway between Mama in her office and me in the kitchen. She followed me to the basement--alone--to watch me bring up some laundry and paper towels.
As Zoe finished her lunch, she saw me put on my jacket and grab my car keys to run a quick errand. From behind, I gave her a quick peck on the top of the head (a maneuver she can't see coming and is helpless to defend) and told her I'd be right back. I opened the kitchen door to leave.
"Bye-bye, Papa."
And I made sure I was right back. ¶ 2:52 AM 1 comments
In recognition of National Adoption Awareness Month, Jill Norton with Great American Restaurants is coordinating a warm pajama drive with the goal of distributing 200 pairs of pajamas to Russian orphanages this winter. Bring any new childrens' pajamas to the host station of any of the chain's restaurants (click here for locations) in the Northern Virginia area during the month of November and they will find their way to Russia. Label the bag/package for "Jill Norton-Support Center." If you're traveling to Russia before the end of the year and have room in your suitcase to take pajamas to your orphanage, please e-mail Jill to let her know.
Jill Norton
Great American Restaurants
3066 Gatehouse Plaza
Falls Church, VA 22046
How do you celebrate your kid's birthday when she's in a new country with new parents learning a new language for little more than a week? What happens to the guest list when the only friends she's ever known are over 5,000 miles away?
Thanks to a teachers' professional day, schools were closed and Jesse was able to join us on what turned out to be a beautiful Fall day. In recognition of how great he has been in the role of big brother (plus seeing how we were away for his birthday), we let him decide how we should celebrate his sister's birthday. He chose the National Zoo.
Zoe had a great time, and seemed to especially enjoy watching giant panda Tian Tian shake his butt in our faces for what seemed to be an eternity. Also capturing her interest were the golden lion tamarins, and the presence of some of the larger animal "ca-cas" adorning the exhibits. The champion? The giant land tortoise. These guys live to be up to 150 years old. I should only be so regular at 42.
We finished off the day with a small family dinner with our parents. Zoe got her first taste of birthday cake, which she proclaimed to be "de-licious," one of her first English words and one you'll want to hear her say over and over again even when her mouth is full. While she hasn't had other cakes, her all-time favorite is and always will be yellow cake with chocolate icing from the Giant. Coincidentally, that's also Mama and Papa's favorite. Go figure.Finally, among the birthday and other greetings Zoe has received in the last week, one special birthday card managed to arrive right on schedule today (after being mailed ten days ago) from Yekaterinburg.
We thought we had met all of Zoe's wonderful caregivers (there were about a dozen working various shifts) over our numerous trips to the orphanage, but somehow hadn't met this one, Helen, until our final "pickup" visit. She showed up on her day off to give Zoe a tearful goodbye and a present.
The impression Zoe left in her heart was clear from Helen's card, and she included a note thanking us for taking such good care of her.
We only wish we could say Zoe is the well-mannered, happy child she is today as the result of what we've done for her in just two weeks together. What they manage to accomplish at the orphanage--with little more than 15¢ per day in government funding to feed and provide medication for each child--is beyond amazing. Love manages to stretch such a small amount a long way. ¶ 11:54 PM 0 comments
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